Not a Tame Lion

My son was around five when I read him the C. S. Lewis Chronicles of Narnia, and we happened on the statement that Aslan, the lion that seemed to represent Jesus in the allegory, was not a tame lion. It was a pretty good explanation to come back to when my son later noted a moment when something made him sad and I could not explain it by saying it fit God’s plan. "A tame animal is predictable and obeys your wishes, but you can't always predict what an untamed animal will do. It obeys no one but itself." Looking back I am interested that I didn't tell my son that God was a wild creature that can't be tamed. Instead I simply stated that he was not tame. A wild God is a scary idea. Wild animals bite and kill for no reason. A wild lion can turn on his handler, leaving onlookers puzzled as to what happened, and yet when I read that God, or Jesus, is not a tame lion, is the alternative simply that they are wild animals? 

One of my first concerns as I try to walk back through the doorway of my former faith is the problem of evil. Is it true that God is either not good or not all powerful? If he is good why does he allow evil unless he is too weak to fend it off? If God is powerful enough to fend off evil he must not be good enough to want to do it. The Christian Scriptures describe its god as all-knowing, all-powerful, and perfect in love. It seems to many that there is a breakdown somewhere in the attributes of God or that there isn't a god like the one described by the Christian.

I have heard different theologians speak of natural disasters as if they were the result of sin or satanic influence, but it is clear that if the God of the Bible can do anything He is fully in control of whatever happens in his world. If God let it happen then He is responsible for it happening. In the Bible even evil men are said to be under the control of God. Think about how God hardened Pharoah's heart while the ten plagues ravaged his country, and even how Solomon stated that the "heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord" and he turns it any way he desires. (Proverbs 21)

Google the word "theodicy" and you will see different attempts of philosophers and theologians (some of whom are philosophers) to make sense of the fact that the Christian god is perfectly good and all-powerful. I discussed this with my son recently and we went through all the options, but we decided that the only answer that really worked for him is that somehow God knows best, and we just have to trust him. This is good enough for many, but it really only works if you feel like God is perfectly good and need an "escape clause" to make you feel ok about an out-of-control world. It is as if you are saying "I know He is good so He must have some higher purpose at work." 

There is another approach that can answer why this world is out-of-control. From the beginning of time as we know it chaos has been the rule of the universe. When untamed powerful forces interact they can change the current organization of things to something very different which can disrupt life and its ability to survive. I am told by Christians "But if everything is the product of chaos then everything is meaningless!" Really? To see that our species has risen out of such chaos and thrived even as the forces of weather, geology, and the competition for resources worked against us creates an incredible sense of being part of an incredibly innovative movement of life. I have a small part of ensuring the continued success of our species as it evolves into the next stage of physical and cultural development. By producing children I have already potentially made a permanent mark on our species' genes for millions of years, and by working to teach my children I have a chance to mold our culture to be better in the future. As humans around me observe my behavior they instinctively develop opinions on how to copy or respond to my behavior which also modifies my culture in a small way, and as billions of us around the Earth act and observe we create the genes and culture of our future. Yes, there is meaning in life, even without a god!

So why would I want to return to my former faith? The culture and people I know and love draw me back, and I honestly want to be part of the confused happiness all around me in church. I remember the good feeling I felt when I believed that God was real and at work in and around me. Now I feel as if those days had me watching a movie on a screen while reality was obscured behind it. Now that I feel like I know the truth I only enjoy the movie for its sense of nostalgia, but I still long for the certainty that came with belief.

So what is the answer for evil? Did God create evil? In a sense the Christian must admit to some extent that his God did create evil, but he could argue that in doing so God had a greater good in mind that goes beyond philosophy and theology. So the God of the Bible allows horrible events to happen on a whim, and cannot really be predicted. All the Christian can say is, “Deep in my heart I know that God is good, and when I get to Heaven it will all make sense.” I guess you must accept God as being truly wild, or untamed, to accept His religion, but I am yet unsure that an untamed God is a better explanation than untamed forces.

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worth1000.com, fark.com, and a dash of CNN and BBC news with a sprinkling of accuweather.com have pretty much been a big part of my free time. I decided recently to reduce the amount of frivolous surfing to retain time for profitable endeavors, but time has its way of running away without me being aware. So, here I am with a new post for the first time in months. I do exist, but nursing school with other pursuits has kept me busy.

Middlesweet just wrote me a note saying that she would like to play with me if I can find the time. I don't come home anymore until after the three are asleep during the week because I am having difficulty getting my work hours in around classes and clinicals. I constantly remind everyone that I have less than eleven months left in school, but to my family it seems like forever. My middle child seems to have grown weary of Daddy being gone. I certainly agree with her sentiments.

It isn't that my wife doesn't do a good job. In fact Wonderful is constantly working miracles with our children. It is difficult for her to adjust to handling all this herself when I was able to chip in just a year ago, but with God's grace she is able to provide a loving home even though immersed in a stressful situation. In spite of my wife's valiant overcoming it is obvious that a Daddy is still an important part of this family.

I guess one example would be from one night two weeks ago after I had just settled in the living room with Wonderful when I heard the oldest's door creak open. It is a firm rule in our home that when the children are put to bed they are not to come back out for any reason (we allow a rare case-by-case exception). When the tearful eyes peeked around the corner I had put on my sternest look available. "What are you doing out of bed?" After a few sniffles he choked out "I need to talk to you in private." "Why?" (I had to stay firm, even with a few tears on his face) After a little discussion I agreed and led him back to his room where I directed him back under his covers. "What's going on?" I asked in a gentler tone because he was back in bed.

"For some reason I thought in my heart that God might not be real..." he trailed off. My wife and I have made it our goal to raise godly, sensitive children who will make a difference in the world as they unite their lives with God's plan. To have a child question God's existence when only eight years-old was certainly not part of our plan. Of course he could be stalling on having to go to bed and getting Daddy time, but he knew the penalty for this behavior. Besides, I know that once this fella gets a thought in his mind he obsesses over it until he goes nuts over it. It seemed that this was what had happened. "Why did you think you had this thought?" "I don't know. It just came up." An eight year-old doesn't generally have the capacity for understanding the full ramifications of denying the existence of God so I knew that the problem wasn't the doubt, but the obsession. The question I dealt with was how to lay a foundation that will hold up with future doubts, for doubts will come.

I myself trusted my father's every word about God until one day in my mid-twenties all the philosophy he taught me no longer held up under my scrutiny. I realized then that I had a "second-hand faith" that no longer served me. This is my admission of a laziness and immaturity that I am ashamed of. I needed to validate my faith much sooner, but I didn't. I hope to challenge my children enough while they are still home that they are forced to have their own faith to surround them when they barrel out alone into the world as young adults or older teenagers. I have heard that doubt is the Devil's tool, but I have rejected this belief. Doubt is God's tool to show us what we really believe. If we reject doubt, or, even worse, fear doubt, we refuse to see God in His fullness. I love to think of Elijah hidden in the cave while the power of God showered earth, rocks, and heat all around him. God did not answer Elijah's doubt with as strong rebuke as one would expect. Rather a still, small voice came along and presented evidence of God's foreknowledge and wisdom. Throughout Scripture God met the doubting minds that truly searched for truth with the tender delight of a father teaching his son the basic tenets of the family business. The fool insists there is no God while the wise man asks how to know God. This line of question often begins in answer to a doubt.

I gave up on God for several months while I grappled with the questions of faith that had surrounded me. I pondered those months of doubt while sat there with my son and I wondered what foundation would yield lasting results. I obviously was not going to discourage his doubts. I wasn't going to say that my faith should be good enough for him. I don't think creation has enough evidence to prove God's presence to the doubting mind. Sin has twisted God's beauty too much for the doubter to see His loving hand. Man's philosophy is too full of questions for it to answer such an important question firmly.

God let me falter in my own mind wrapped in turmoil until one day I found myself left with no sense of value in my life, and God's voice whispered in my heart asking me why I cared if He was real. In a flash I understood that it wasn't that I needed to argue with my doubts, but that I needed my doubts to show me that I cared. God had placed in my heart a desire for Him that I couldn't deny, and that work of the Holy Spirit is the basic proof I need of God's existence. This won't work to prove God to anyone else though. I have decided that proving Himself is the Holy Spirit's job anyway. You can't escape God when He has chosen you.

So I turned to my son and asked why he cared. "I don't know. I just want to believe that God is real." "Who made you feel that way?" "God?" "What do you think?" "YES" I don't like to rely on feelings for faith, but some feelings are undeniable. Those who have felt the tug of God on their hearts know what I mean. Others who are His children will know in His time. "Daddy, I guess Satan was making me feel that God wasn't real." "No, I don't think Satan wants you thinking about God. I guess God was asking you if you believed in Him so that you could see how much you cared. Do you care?" "I DO!" "Then pay attention- God may be setting you up for another lesson soon."

I don't know how much my son really comprehended of this whole thing, but as I walked away after another hug and kiss I felt the invisible hand on my shoulder and heard the still, small voice asking "Can you believe in the whirlwind of your doubts?" and I answered "I believe, Lord, help thou my unbelief."

I have so much more to learn.