True Colors

This is it.
I officially quit.
I wanted to believe.
I thought I could fake it.
I tried to hold on to the smallest little smidgen of belief I could find.
I went back and forth a couple times to try to keep in the Church I truly love, but its not worth it.
I must admit I don't believe.

So that's me. I see a lot of the word "I" above, but it must be so. This is about me. Some guy didn't make me so mad that I wanted to leave everyone behind. My parents did not plant a seed of doubt. I did not see an inkling of hypocrisy in my father, the man that taught me to read, and gave me a love of logic and philosophy. I didn't doubt because of a college education, and I didn't walk away because I was drawn away by rock music or some stupid movie that made me desire a more exciting life away from God. It took becoming a father to realize my own faith was really a faith in my father, and not his God. When I tried to grow into my own faith I ran into my skepticism. I realized that to look past all the realities I saw that didn't mesh with the Bible I would have to have an internal sense that the truth of Scripture was greater than my doubt. I don't have that internal sense. A Christian might say that I lack the internal witness of the Holy Spirit.

Let me say it another way using the Genesis story of creation as an example. There is so much evidence in real life of an earth and universe that is so incredibly old most human minds are not able to visualize, and yet many Christians hold firmly to the belief that God created the earth and universe less than ten thousand years ago based on the chronology of events described in the Bible. So here's the rub- if, based on the evidence alone, I see that the earth is well more than a million years old, then I would have to assume that any story I heard to the contrary is false. Yet the Christian Bible states, based on its chronology, that the earth is 10,000 years old or younger. What am I to do with the contradiction? If I have no reason to believe the Bible I can simply state, accurately, that the Bible is the product of Bronze Age humans making their best guess at reality using traditions passed down to them to record their best creation myths which they tweaked over time as their culture changed. If I ascribe to the beliefs based on the Bible I look at the contradiction and go with my gut which tells me more truth is yet to be discovered and allows me to suspend disbelief in favor of what seems to be Bronze Age beliefs.

This is where I am splitting off from my former Sunday School friends. I don't have that gut feeling that tells me there must be a creator to build this complex system of physics that keeps our universe doing its thing. I don't have faith that a cosmic being who is both cruel and good has a higher purpose in mind. I don't have some whimsical sense that a better world awaits when my body loses its ability to maintain its survivability.

In short, I don't have faith.

Some would say that I have exchanged a faith in God for a faith in science, but that would be untrue. I don't have faith in science. Science is method of testing theories to come as close to truth as possible, but it is not a thing in which to have faith. Science would be the antithesis of faith in that any assertions made as a result of a scientific endeavor must be testable in order to be believed, and, as such, can be disproved at any juncture. Famous scientists are made from people who found a way to call accepted truths into question.

Some would say I have rejected God. Not really. I have rejected an artificial sense of the existence of any god. I had built up a mental image, in Christian terms an idol, of what I wanted God to be, and when I tested my theory of God I found that it was not reflected in Scripture, and, in fact, no one image of God was present in the Holy Writ I examined. All of religious tradition contains the opinions of men who seemed to have come to know different creatures they called "God".

Some would say that I have been drawn away by my own immorality to reject Biblical morality, but I counter that there is not one version of Biblical morality. This is why American Christians still argue for and against slavery, and why abortion is both acceptable and unacceptable within various factions of the Christian Church. I suggest that our cultural morality dictates how we interpret the Scriptures rather than the Scripture dictating our morality. This is partly because so many standards exist in the Holy Writ that almost anything can be justified based on how the verses are arranged.

I wanted that faith. I prayed for that faith, and studied to build the knowledge that would give support to faith, but the more I learned, the less I could believe. This is not to say that your faith is wrong, but that your faith is not based on words printed on special paper in a carefully bound book, but on some ethereal sense that your brain created to help you cope with things you couldn't explain. Or, you might say, the internal witness of the Holy Spirit.

So here I am as I really am. You can pray that God's voice will break through the darkness in my mind and bring me to your version of the light of faith. I welcome that. It is not fun feeling left out in the cold. Until then, paint me as honest. From here on, I will only admit to that which I can truly believe.

Embracing the dark

English Standard Version (©2001)
Isaiah 50:10
"Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God."

When I was nineteen I did not know what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I begged God to show me His will. I prayed and studied, but I could not get an answer. For the first time I felt like I was totally in the dark; which truly distressed me. Why would God keep from revealing this to me? Then I came to this passage in my personal Bible study. Isaiah 50:10 started with "who... Fears The Lord and obeys...?" I thought "that's me! I obey God." Then I read "Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust..." I felt the darkness so tangibly that I almost cried. There was my answer. I was to simply trust God's last direction and stay on the path that was last given, and so I did. I was soon after that moment of distress given a clear next step and moved forward, and it was this path that brought to this day where I have a wonderful family, and a job that more than meets my family's needs.

Ten years later (thirteen years ago) I was plunged into the deepest spiritual darkness that I have ever experienced. It wasn't all at once, but I felt like I was sinking far away. I even had the sensation that it was God Himself pressing me so far into the darkness that I felt as if God had buried me and walked away, totally abandoning me.

English Standard Version (©2001)
Isaiah 50:11
"Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment."

For a few years I kept up the motions of the Christianity I no longer could see, waiting for God to come back for me, but He never did. I assumed my faith was a farce, and that I had simply been caught up in the social pressures around me. I determined that my intense sense of God's presence before was simply the result of a desire to experience something that I had to make up to be part of a social group I admired. Rather than make a form of insincere faith upon which I could pretend, I simply let my faith slip away. I did not build myself a fire of false religion. I stayed in the dark. I surrounded myself with opportunities to minister, for only in the moments when I was sharing the Gospel in word or song did I have a fleeting glimpse of God from afar, and then He pulled the shade again. After ten years of this I decided to be honest and admitted to family and a few friends that I had completely lost God. I reluctantly embraced my seeming apostasy while calling those around me to live their faith honestly. I basically gave up the fight.

In this space I began to detail how I came to be an apostate, and then I began to see breaks in the veil God had made. I cannot explain what happened, but I understand that it was revealed to me that this was God's plan for me. Few know the horror of darkness, but those of us who have experienced it and been brought out of it can attest to the fact that God is in the dark (Psalm 139:12).

Jesus promised that those who followed Him would have His light (John 8:12), but what about me who followed Jesus but fell into darkness? You can search me for a sin that led me away from God, but which one of us can say we are without sin? It was not a sin I embraced which brought the darkness, but it was in the midst of constant repentance and worship that darkness was forced upon me. Looking back I see just enough of God's light that even though I felt the darkness I had enough faint glimmers of light that I was unconsciously able to reorient myself. Even in the pit He never really left me.

I still struggle with issues where I believe humans have imposed their morals on God's word, and I have not resolved completely the seeming contradictions between what God has revealed in the natural world and his Word. I firmly believe that rational faith must first begin with divine revelation. I could not talk myself into faith, but when the Holy Spirit lifted the veil I was once again able to experience the assurance of faith I once held so dear.

Why have I been here? I understand Job a little better, though I did not experience the physical loss he did, but I certainly felt abandoned by God. Like Job I don't have an answer; only a sense that I have so much to learn.

English Standard Version (©2001)
Job 42:1-6
"Then Job answered the LORD and said:
“I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
‘Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;
therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes.”"

Not a Tame Lion

My son was around five when I read him the C. S. Lewis Chronicles of Narnia, and we happened on the statement that Aslan, the lion that seemed to represent Jesus in the allegory, was not a tame lion. It was a pretty good explanation to come back to when my son later noted a moment when something made him sad and I could not explain it by saying it fit God’s plan. "A tame animal is predictable and obeys your wishes, but you can't always predict what an untamed animal will do. It obeys no one but itself." Looking back I am interested that I didn't tell my son that God was a wild creature that can't be tamed. Instead I simply stated that he was not tame. A wild God is a scary idea. Wild animals bite and kill for no reason. A wild lion can turn on his handler, leaving onlookers puzzled as to what happened, and yet when I read that God, or Jesus, is not a tame lion, is the alternative simply that they are wild animals? 

One of my first concerns as I try to walk back through the doorway of my former faith is the problem of evil. Is it true that God is either not good or not all powerful? If he is good why does he allow evil unless he is too weak to fend it off? If God is powerful enough to fend off evil he must not be good enough to want to do it. The Christian Scriptures describe its god as all-knowing, all-powerful, and perfect in love. It seems to many that there is a breakdown somewhere in the attributes of God or that there isn't a god like the one described by the Christian.

I have heard different theologians speak of natural disasters as if they were the result of sin or satanic influence, but it is clear that if the God of the Bible can do anything He is fully in control of whatever happens in his world. If God let it happen then He is responsible for it happening. In the Bible even evil men are said to be under the control of God. Think about how God hardened Pharoah's heart while the ten plagues ravaged his country, and even how Solomon stated that the "heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord" and he turns it any way he desires. (Proverbs 21)

Google the word "theodicy" and you will see different attempts of philosophers and theologians (some of whom are philosophers) to make sense of the fact that the Christian god is perfectly good and all-powerful. I discussed this with my son recently and we went through all the options, but we decided that the only answer that really worked for him is that somehow God knows best, and we just have to trust him. This is good enough for many, but it really only works if you feel like God is perfectly good and need an "escape clause" to make you feel ok about an out-of-control world. It is as if you are saying "I know He is good so He must have some higher purpose at work." 

There is another approach that can answer why this world is out-of-control. From the beginning of time as we know it chaos has been the rule of the universe. When untamed powerful forces interact they can change the current organization of things to something very different which can disrupt life and its ability to survive. I am told by Christians "But if everything is the product of chaos then everything is meaningless!" Really? To see that our species has risen out of such chaos and thrived even as the forces of weather, geology, and the competition for resources worked against us creates an incredible sense of being part of an incredibly innovative movement of life. I have a small part of ensuring the continued success of our species as it evolves into the next stage of physical and cultural development. By producing children I have already potentially made a permanent mark on our species' genes for millions of years, and by working to teach my children I have a chance to mold our culture to be better in the future. As humans around me observe my behavior they instinctively develop opinions on how to copy or respond to my behavior which also modifies my culture in a small way, and as billions of us around the Earth act and observe we create the genes and culture of our future. Yes, there is meaning in life, even without a god!

So why would I want to return to my former faith? The culture and people I know and love draw me back, and I honestly want to be part of the confused happiness all around me in church. I remember the good feeling I felt when I believed that God was real and at work in and around me. Now I feel as if those days had me watching a movie on a screen while reality was obscured behind it. Now that I feel like I know the truth I only enjoy the movie for its sense of nostalgia, but I still long for the certainty that came with belief.

So what is the answer for evil? Did God create evil? In a sense the Christian must admit to some extent that his God did create evil, but he could argue that in doing so God had a greater good in mind that goes beyond philosophy and theology. So the God of the Bible allows horrible events to happen on a whim, and cannot really be predicted. All the Christian can say is, “Deep in my heart I know that God is good, and when I get to Heaven it will all make sense.” I guess you must accept God as being truly wild, or untamed, to accept His religion, but I am yet unsure that an untamed God is a better explanation than untamed forces.

?

worth1000.com, fark.com, and a dash of CNN and BBC news with a sprinkling of accuweather.com have pretty much been a big part of my free time. I decided recently to reduce the amount of frivolous surfing to retain time for profitable endeavors, but time has its way of running away without me being aware. So, here I am with a new post for the first time in months. I do exist, but nursing school with other pursuits has kept me busy.

Middlesweet just wrote me a note saying that she would like to play with me if I can find the time. I don't come home anymore until after the three are asleep during the week because I am having difficulty getting my work hours in around classes and clinicals. I constantly remind everyone that I have less than eleven months left in school, but to my family it seems like forever. My middle child seems to have grown weary of Daddy being gone. I certainly agree with her sentiments.

It isn't that my wife doesn't do a good job. In fact Wonderful is constantly working miracles with our children. It is difficult for her to adjust to handling all this herself when I was able to chip in just a year ago, but with God's grace she is able to provide a loving home even though immersed in a stressful situation. In spite of my wife's valiant overcoming it is obvious that a Daddy is still an important part of this family.

I guess one example would be from one night two weeks ago after I had just settled in the living room with Wonderful when I heard the oldest's door creak open. It is a firm rule in our home that when the children are put to bed they are not to come back out for any reason (we allow a rare case-by-case exception). When the tearful eyes peeked around the corner I had put on my sternest look available. "What are you doing out of bed?" After a few sniffles he choked out "I need to talk to you in private." "Why?" (I had to stay firm, even with a few tears on his face) After a little discussion I agreed and led him back to his room where I directed him back under his covers. "What's going on?" I asked in a gentler tone because he was back in bed.

"For some reason I thought in my heart that God might not be real..." he trailed off. My wife and I have made it our goal to raise godly, sensitive children who will make a difference in the world as they unite their lives with God's plan. To have a child question God's existence when only eight years-old was certainly not part of our plan. Of course he could be stalling on having to go to bed and getting Daddy time, but he knew the penalty for this behavior. Besides, I know that once this fella gets a thought in his mind he obsesses over it until he goes nuts over it. It seemed that this was what had happened. "Why did you think you had this thought?" "I don't know. It just came up." An eight year-old doesn't generally have the capacity for understanding the full ramifications of denying the existence of God so I knew that the problem wasn't the doubt, but the obsession. The question I dealt with was how to lay a foundation that will hold up with future doubts, for doubts will come.

I myself trusted my father's every word about God until one day in my mid-twenties all the philosophy he taught me no longer held up under my scrutiny. I realized then that I had a "second-hand faith" that no longer served me. This is my admission of a laziness and immaturity that I am ashamed of. I needed to validate my faith much sooner, but I didn't. I hope to challenge my children enough while they are still home that they are forced to have their own faith to surround them when they barrel out alone into the world as young adults or older teenagers. I have heard that doubt is the Devil's tool, but I have rejected this belief. Doubt is God's tool to show us what we really believe. If we reject doubt, or, even worse, fear doubt, we refuse to see God in His fullness. I love to think of Elijah hidden in the cave while the power of God showered earth, rocks, and heat all around him. God did not answer Elijah's doubt with as strong rebuke as one would expect. Rather a still, small voice came along and presented evidence of God's foreknowledge and wisdom. Throughout Scripture God met the doubting minds that truly searched for truth with the tender delight of a father teaching his son the basic tenets of the family business. The fool insists there is no God while the wise man asks how to know God. This line of question often begins in answer to a doubt.

I gave up on God for several months while I grappled with the questions of faith that had surrounded me. I pondered those months of doubt while sat there with my son and I wondered what foundation would yield lasting results. I obviously was not going to discourage his doubts. I wasn't going to say that my faith should be good enough for him. I don't think creation has enough evidence to prove God's presence to the doubting mind. Sin has twisted God's beauty too much for the doubter to see His loving hand. Man's philosophy is too full of questions for it to answer such an important question firmly.

God let me falter in my own mind wrapped in turmoil until one day I found myself left with no sense of value in my life, and God's voice whispered in my heart asking me why I cared if He was real. In a flash I understood that it wasn't that I needed to argue with my doubts, but that I needed my doubts to show me that I cared. God had placed in my heart a desire for Him that I couldn't deny, and that work of the Holy Spirit is the basic proof I need of God's existence. This won't work to prove God to anyone else though. I have decided that proving Himself is the Holy Spirit's job anyway. You can't escape God when He has chosen you.

So I turned to my son and asked why he cared. "I don't know. I just want to believe that God is real." "Who made you feel that way?" "God?" "What do you think?" "YES" I don't like to rely on feelings for faith, but some feelings are undeniable. Those who have felt the tug of God on their hearts know what I mean. Others who are His children will know in His time. "Daddy, I guess Satan was making me feel that God wasn't real." "No, I don't think Satan wants you thinking about God. I guess God was asking you if you believed in Him so that you could see how much you cared. Do you care?" "I DO!" "Then pay attention- God may be setting you up for another lesson soon."

I don't know how much my son really comprehended of this whole thing, but as I walked away after another hug and kiss I felt the invisible hand on my shoulder and heard the still, small voice asking "Can you believe in the whirlwind of your doubts?" and I answered "I believe, Lord, help thou my unbelief."

I have so much more to learn.