True Colors

This is it.
I officially quit.
I wanted to believe.
I thought I could fake it.
I tried to hold on to the smallest little smidgen of belief I could find.
I went back and forth a couple times to try to keep in the Church I truly love, but its not worth it.
I must admit I don't believe.

So that's me. I see a lot of the word "I" above, but it must be so. This is about me. Some guy didn't make me so mad that I wanted to leave everyone behind. My parents did not plant a seed of doubt. I did not see an inkling of hypocrisy in my father, the man that taught me to read, and gave me a love of logic and philosophy. I didn't doubt because of a college education, and I didn't walk away because I was drawn away by rock music or some stupid movie that made me desire a more exciting life away from God. It took becoming a father to realize my own faith was really a faith in my father, and not his God. When I tried to grow into my own faith I ran into my skepticism. I realized that to look past all the realities I saw that didn't mesh with the Bible I would have to have an internal sense that the truth of Scripture was greater than my doubt. I don't have that internal sense. A Christian might say that I lack the internal witness of the Holy Spirit.

Let me say it another way using the Genesis story of creation as an example. There is so much evidence in real life of an earth and universe that is so incredibly old most human minds are not able to visualize, and yet many Christians hold firmly to the belief that God created the earth and universe less than ten thousand years ago based on the chronology of events described in the Bible. So here's the rub- if, based on the evidence alone, I see that the earth is well more than a million years old, then I would have to assume that any story I heard to the contrary is false. Yet the Christian Bible states, based on its chronology, that the earth is 10,000 years old or younger. What am I to do with the contradiction? If I have no reason to believe the Bible I can simply state, accurately, that the Bible is the product of Bronze Age humans making their best guess at reality using traditions passed down to them to record their best creation myths which they tweaked over time as their culture changed. If I ascribe to the beliefs based on the Bible I look at the contradiction and go with my gut which tells me more truth is yet to be discovered and allows me to suspend disbelief in favor of what seems to be Bronze Age beliefs.

This is where I am splitting off from my former Sunday School friends. I don't have that gut feeling that tells me there must be a creator to build this complex system of physics that keeps our universe doing its thing. I don't have faith that a cosmic being who is both cruel and good has a higher purpose in mind. I don't have some whimsical sense that a better world awaits when my body loses its ability to maintain its survivability.

In short, I don't have faith.

Some would say that I have exchanged a faith in God for a faith in science, but that would be untrue. I don't have faith in science. Science is method of testing theories to come as close to truth as possible, but it is not a thing in which to have faith. Science would be the antithesis of faith in that any assertions made as a result of a scientific endeavor must be testable in order to be believed, and, as such, can be disproved at any juncture. Famous scientists are made from people who found a way to call accepted truths into question.

Some would say I have rejected God. Not really. I have rejected an artificial sense of the existence of any god. I had built up a mental image, in Christian terms an idol, of what I wanted God to be, and when I tested my theory of God I found that it was not reflected in Scripture, and, in fact, no one image of God was present in the Holy Writ I examined. All of religious tradition contains the opinions of men who seemed to have come to know different creatures they called "God".

Some would say that I have been drawn away by my own immorality to reject Biblical morality, but I counter that there is not one version of Biblical morality. This is why American Christians still argue for and against slavery, and why abortion is both acceptable and unacceptable within various factions of the Christian Church. I suggest that our cultural morality dictates how we interpret the Scriptures rather than the Scripture dictating our morality. This is partly because so many standards exist in the Holy Writ that almost anything can be justified based on how the verses are arranged.

I wanted that faith. I prayed for that faith, and studied to build the knowledge that would give support to faith, but the more I learned, the less I could believe. This is not to say that your faith is wrong, but that your faith is not based on words printed on special paper in a carefully bound book, but on some ethereal sense that your brain created to help you cope with things you couldn't explain. Or, you might say, the internal witness of the Holy Spirit.

So here I am as I really am. You can pray that God's voice will break through the darkness in my mind and bring me to your version of the light of faith. I welcome that. It is not fun feeling left out in the cold. Until then, paint me as honest. From here on, I will only admit to that which I can truly believe.

Embracing the dark

English Standard Version (©2001)
Isaiah 50:10
"Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God."

When I was nineteen I did not know what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I begged God to show me His will. I prayed and studied, but I could not get an answer. For the first time I felt like I was totally in the dark; which truly distressed me. Why would God keep from revealing this to me? Then I came to this passage in my personal Bible study. Isaiah 50:10 started with "who... Fears The Lord and obeys...?" I thought "that's me! I obey God." Then I read "Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust..." I felt the darkness so tangibly that I almost cried. There was my answer. I was to simply trust God's last direction and stay on the path that was last given, and so I did. I was soon after that moment of distress given a clear next step and moved forward, and it was this path that brought to this day where I have a wonderful family, and a job that more than meets my family's needs.

Ten years later (thirteen years ago) I was plunged into the deepest spiritual darkness that I have ever experienced. It wasn't all at once, but I felt like I was sinking far away. I even had the sensation that it was God Himself pressing me so far into the darkness that I felt as if God had buried me and walked away, totally abandoning me.

English Standard Version (©2001)
Isaiah 50:11
"Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment."

For a few years I kept up the motions of the Christianity I no longer could see, waiting for God to come back for me, but He never did. I assumed my faith was a farce, and that I had simply been caught up in the social pressures around me. I determined that my intense sense of God's presence before was simply the result of a desire to experience something that I had to make up to be part of a social group I admired. Rather than make a form of insincere faith upon which I could pretend, I simply let my faith slip away. I did not build myself a fire of false religion. I stayed in the dark. I surrounded myself with opportunities to minister, for only in the moments when I was sharing the Gospel in word or song did I have a fleeting glimpse of God from afar, and then He pulled the shade again. After ten years of this I decided to be honest and admitted to family and a few friends that I had completely lost God. I reluctantly embraced my seeming apostasy while calling those around me to live their faith honestly. I basically gave up the fight.

In this space I began to detail how I came to be an apostate, and then I began to see breaks in the veil God had made. I cannot explain what happened, but I understand that it was revealed to me that this was God's plan for me. Few know the horror of darkness, but those of us who have experienced it and been brought out of it can attest to the fact that God is in the dark (Psalm 139:12).

Jesus promised that those who followed Him would have His light (John 8:12), but what about me who followed Jesus but fell into darkness? You can search me for a sin that led me away from God, but which one of us can say we are without sin? It was not a sin I embraced which brought the darkness, but it was in the midst of constant repentance and worship that darkness was forced upon me. Looking back I see just enough of God's light that even though I felt the darkness I had enough faint glimmers of light that I was unconsciously able to reorient myself. Even in the pit He never really left me.

I still struggle with issues where I believe humans have imposed their morals on God's word, and I have not resolved completely the seeming contradictions between what God has revealed in the natural world and his Word. I firmly believe that rational faith must first begin with divine revelation. I could not talk myself into faith, but when the Holy Spirit lifted the veil I was once again able to experience the assurance of faith I once held so dear.

Why have I been here? I understand Job a little better, though I did not experience the physical loss he did, but I certainly felt abandoned by God. Like Job I don't have an answer; only a sense that I have so much to learn.

English Standard Version (©2001)
Job 42:1-6
"Then Job answered the LORD and said:
“I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
‘Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;
therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes.”"

Flashbacks of the weird kind...

Ah, fun of seeing how far I have come! I watched all the parts of the above documentary by Louis Theroux on the Westboro Baptist Church Cult, and it is amazing how much of what they believe were my deeply held beliefs so many years ago. If you take away the vulgar language that marks so much of what the Family says you will hear what I was taught as a child and young adult. I had such a gut reaction to the statements of the members of The Family as the described the dangers of rebellion and thinking for oneself. I instantly identified with the kids who were so afraid that even speaking their hearts would send them to Hell because it would plant a seed of rebellion that would lead them down the wrong road. Even the sense of persecution and future exile that was to mark our transition into the end times was drummed into my head. I love how Louis Theroux let the members of the Family do all the talking so that we get a great view of their beliefs. Having come from a similar background I really believe that this was an accurate portrayal of the Family.

My message from this is that the Westboro Baptist Church Family is probably the best example of obedience to the Bible that I have seen in the USA, and a perfect example of how blind obedience to a book of faith can destroy lives and families. I like the fact that most evangelical Christians in the US actually live according to a more loving ethical standard than is presented in the Bible. I am glad I finally saw the light of Humanism.

The last book

I took the risky move of borrowing a sci-fi film that I didn't know anything about. I did this mainly because it had Denzel Washington in it and I generally like his work. The movie was a bit of a surprise in that it had a good bit of philosophical interest for me. This is not to say that I will watch with my children or parents. It is not that kind of movie, but it is one that raises an interesting question of what the end of our society could be.

The story occurs thirty year after a war basically destroys the world with very little food for a still very populated planet. Some people resort to cannibalism while others resort to other methods of survival. The camera follows one Eli who seems to be a superman type of character with a few interesting.flaws and scruples. As the story moves on we find that most people in the world are illiterate and destroyed all the Bibles they could find attributing the war to the followers of the book. Eli is lead by "a voice" to the last Bible and carries it on a 30 year pilgrimage to safety. Don't worry I didn't ruin the movie for anyone still wanting to watch it, though I will admit that it is not all that great outside some of its cerebral interests.

What would the world look like without the Bible? In the movie and in the minds of many people that argue for Biblical morality the world would be a lawless and destructive place without the moral guidance of the Holy Scriptures to guide us. In fact I must disagree for three reasons.

1. Christians don't even follow scripture as a moral guide. Ask most Christians about their guiding Scriptural passages and you will get some innocuous verses or phrases they learned in elementary Sunday School mixed with some concepts they picked up from some popular speaker or writer. Ask any Christian on the street and you will find that they can barely make their way through a Bible much less relate the basic message in each book of the Bible. I can assure you that almost none have read the Bible from cover to cover. So what do Christians find as a moral compass? They use their culture, though not necessarily their secular culture. The leaders of various evangelical factions hold a cultural sway strong enough that churches and political groups can count on them to vote their way in most elections. James Dobson, James Kennedy, and even the Mormon Glenn Beck can be included in this influential group although there are others with slightly less influence in the Southern Baptist Convention, and Bob Jones University. That a Mormon can lead Evangelicals is a sign that theology is not a necessary prerequisite. Most American Christians follow their herd instincts to do whatever their Christian friends and leaders do.

2. History teaches us that Scripture is not a very strong moral guide. The situation presented in the movie is actually a rough representation of what happened after the fall of the Roman Empire. The Roman Catholic Church held the Scripture in high regard, but did not develop a strong moral or legal code from Scripture. In fact the Greek and Roman philosophers were the moral compass to which Scripture was adapted. Interestingly even our American Founding Fathers followed the Roman and Greek guides along with some Native American examples as practical helps in developing our country with Biblical adaptations that probably added legitimacy to their work.

3. This reason is the most compelling of all- There is not a single moral code in Scripture. My favorite example is that of the value of human life. Modern Christians hold that all human life is sacred, but that standard is not widely applied in Scripture. Jesus comes the closest to holding this standard. Modern Christians would do well to follow the moral guidance of Jesus, but then their theologic standard may be problematic.
While Jesus clearly stated that He did not come to destroy the Law He did cast doubt on its practical value. Even in the Old Testament not all rules were applied consistently with God arbitrarily guiding His people in various actions that contradicted His supposed law. For example, modern Christians would dismiss the command to sacrifice a child for God as a command from a demon and not God, and yet Abraham was congratulated for bringing his son to the altar. Several times throughout the Bible the authors congratulate the heroes for their situational ethics as a deeper understanding of God's implied law.

Not only are American Christians not following the moral law of the Bible they are probably making the better choice. I just hope they someday realize it and stop following all the evangelical fads they seem to love so much. It would hurt if we all actually thought for ourselves.

Is Murder Justified?

I follow a number of blogs for personal growth and education. Among these blogs are some that focus on science, religion, and theology from different perspectives. One blog I like is entirely for fun. It is the blog of a philosophy professor who designs online questionnaires that act as philosophy experiments. The most recent addition to his series is a set of questions answering the above question. While philosophy tends to deal in hypothetical questions, especially as related to questions of morality, this set of questions mostly relate to true situations and how the reader responds to them. Jeremy Stangroom chose as one of his questions the scenario of Richard Parker who was killed by his shipmates after they found themselves shipwrecked and starving in a lifeboat. Richard Parker was chosen to be killed to sustain the lives of the other men because he did not have a wife and children depending on him, and it seemed that he was on the verge of dying anyway. Later investigators agreed that the men would have died had they not eaten the body of Richard, but they were convicted of murder even though the murder was the only choice possible to save the lives of several men.

One of the interesting questions that this raises is what would be the Biblical response to this situation? American Christians would state that every life is precious which is why they tend to dislike abortion and euthanasia, and so they would tend to feel that one life is too precious a cost for the attempt at saving two or more other lives. Of course this instinctive response is not necessarily Biblical. Based on the math present in the many Bible stories that deal with substitutionary death one life lost is a reasonable cost for the saving of many others. This is an issue at conflict with the American Evangelical aversion to abortion. God is certainly not "pro-life" in the Bible, and yet many Americans would still oppose abortion and the killing of Richard Parker as being against Scripture when their ethics really are a product of their culture and not the Bible.

Morality and religion

Early in my reconsideration of Christianity I came across the concept of morality as a construct of a religious belief, and I began to wonder if our morality really is the work of our religion. There are several ways to look at this, but the most easy I can consider right now is the issue of genocide. It is fascinating that genocide was repeatedly commanded by God in the Bible, and yet many Christians quote the Bible to support their calls against genocide. What is truly happening is that the culture is pressuring Christians to hold certain views as morally good, and Christians are selecting, or "cherry-picking", Bible passages that support their ideals rather than acknowledging the contradiction found in Scripture between our modern dislike of genocide and the Scriptural mandates to support it. If Christians were to be truly Biblical, they would support the wholesale murder of all Muslims and resettlement of their lands by Christians or Jews.A more whimsical look at how our culture dictates our choices is reflected in my post last year about the mistaken belief that Christmas is about Jesus (http://me-as-me.blogspot.com/2009/11/get-mas.html). At any rate an interesting blog post about morality adds much more to the discussion than I can at this time- http://www.centerforinquiry.net/blogs/entry/why_should_i_be_moral/
I am interested in your thoughts.

Get-Mas

The so called "war on Christmas" drives me crazy. The e-mails are going around again whining about various organizations wishing "happy holidays" instead of the traditional "Merry Christmas." I see Christians sneer at those who say ''happy holidays" and I hear the snide response "I celebrate Christmas!" and cringe. Even those Christians who sweetly and gently respond make me cringe because they are exposing a poor understanding of history and theology. A catchy and meaningless cry of those who want to "defend" Christmas is "Jesus is the reason for the season." This strange statement assumes that Christmas was invented by or for Jesus. Another meaningless catchphrase is "keep Christ in Christmas" as if Christ was at the origin of Christmas.

Theologically this whole "war on Christmas" is a puzzle. If Christmas is a Christian holy day why do we even allow outsiders to participate much less force them to celebrate our way? Each God-ordained holiday in Scripture required cleansing form the heart out for even outsiders. On top of this, no celebration of Christ's birth is recommended in the Scripture or even referenced as practiced by the early believers, unlike the long-time celebration of Christ's resurrection. More interestingly birth dates have little importance in Scripture as commemoration times. Few people are celebrated for their births as compared to the those who were celebrated for what they did. To declare the common "Jesus is the reason for the season" is also a theological mistake because Jesus is not the reason for this season any more than Shakespeare is the reason for midsummer. Scripture identifies Jesus as one with God the Creator and as such He is not only the Creator of all seasons beyond Christmas, but He is the focus of all seasons. More on this in a moment

Historically Christmas as an important ancient Christian holy day is a legend. "Keep Christ in Christmas" is slightly more silly than insisting on "keep the Easter Bunny in Easter!" While the events of Christ's death and resurrection do somewhat coincide with pagan spring celebrations, it is almost certain that the events of Christ's birth almost certainly did not coincide with pagan winter celebrations. While we can place Christ's resurrection pretty accurately we question the time of Christ's birth, and so we must wonder why December 25th was chosen.

And [De Origine Festorum Christ.] Hospinian speaketh judiciously, when he
saith, that he doth not believe that they who first of all observed the Feast of
Christ’s Nativity in the latter end of December, did it as thinking that Christ
was born in that Month, but because the Heathens Saturnalia was at that time
kept in Rome, and they were willing to have those Pagan Holidays metamorphosed into Christian. Hence December was called Mensis Genialis, the Voluptuous Month.
Whilst the Saturnalian Days lasted, the observers of them were wont to send
Gifts one to another, which therefore Tertullian calls Saturnalitia, and Jerom
giveth them the Name of Saturnalium Sportulae. The like is done by many in
Christmas time. ~"A TESTIMONY Against several Prophane and Superstitious
CUSTOMS, Now Practised by some in New-England, The Evil whereof is evinced from the Holy Scriptures, and from the Writings both of Ancient and Modern Divines."
By Increase Mather, 1687

Rather than keeping Christ in Christmas it seems that Christians have been forever trying to put Christ into some sort of pagan winter celebration. He doesn't exactly fit. I have recently observed that Americans spend more time thinking about the gifts and celebrations that occur using Christ's name than in actually reflecting on the Savior- an indictment on myself and many others with whom I share genes and fellowship. My Wonderful countered that her Aunt Jane certainly did not fit that description, and she is correct, but Wonderful's Aunt Jane also represents the mindset I would want to embody- "Jesus is my reason to live every season."

So, am I going to attempt to outlaw in my home the giving of gifts and decorations that we enjoy this time of year? No. What I want to do is celebrate like my friends in Russia did on their quiet Christmas celebration January 7, 1996. I want to have a special day just for Christ where there is no Santa or reindeer or gifts to distract. I want to have a time for quiet reflection much like we have on Sunday's in our home or Veteran's Day in the US. I want to eventually move the gift-giving to New-Year's day where we can welcome the new year and celebrate the evidences of what God gave us in the old year. I don't know if this all will happen in our home, but this is my wish. Oh, and don't mention the war on Christmas to me. I don't hear "Christmas" anymore but it sounds like "Get-mas" in my ears.

God's Voices

I try to pray with my children every night whether they are awake or asleep (some nights I come home very late), and my prayers usually go something like this "Lord, thank you soooooo much for my sweet (insert name of child) who I love soooo much, and I pray that You would help her to love you and to give her heart to you and follow you every where you want her to go. Help her to know how much you love her and that we love her too, and help her to know your voice and obey you, even in her dreams tonight. In Jesus name amen." Of course it changes based on the events of the day, the plans for tomorrow, and whatever had just been discussed between us. Sometimes we pray for other people and if time is short it may be even shorter than the above.

One night I was praying with one of my youngsters at bedtime and the child asked how to hear God's voice. "Do you hear it with your ears?" Of course the answer is I don't know, but I do know that it will never contradict His Word and so I answered, "That really depends on you and God, sweetie, but I think that if you spend time really studying God's Word you will recognize God's voice when He speaks." "Have you heard God's voice Daddy?" "I think I have." "What did it sound like?" "I don't know, I just knew it was God's voice."

That answer had to satisfy for I had other cheeks to kiss and other hugs to give, but I didn't want to give too specific an answer because God's voice is not always what you expect. To me it has been audible (in my ears only) at rare instances, and other times a still small patient voice in my heart that waited for the very quietest moment of frustrated silence. If I tell my child what to listen for, it is possible that she might miss it when God speaks. This is the most frustrating thing about God to me- He is not a checklist God. If you read through the first few books of the Protestant Old Testament you will find that God has some very specific directions for how to obey Him, but then David, whom God called a man after His own heart, states in his writings that God really wants sacrifices of the heart more than those detailed ones in Leviticus and Numbers. Jesus told the "woman at the well" that God wants worship in "spirit and in truth" which is hard to accomplish with a checklist. Why?

I spent some time in my early twenties working with a homeschool organization which followed some legalistic ideas about honoring God. I was taught that listening to certain types of music, reading certain kinds of material, and talking to certain kinds of people would make me tainted in God's eyes and unacceptable to Him. This group also had a list of standards that worked as a checklist to assure that one would be pleasing God. This list included times to study the Bible, when to fast, how to speak, what facial expressions to maintain, and so on. I felt that as I checked things off this list daily I would be a better Christian.

Then one day I began to memorize Romans 8. The first verse is confounding. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I know that Jesus found forgiveness for all of our sins on the cross, but that doesn't mean that we are sinless, just not facing full punishment for our sins if we trust in Christ. As one reads through the passage he realizes that the condemnation is probably legal in a sense in that we are not condemned because we are covered by Christ's blood, but it is also practical in that the same law does not apply. Paul wrote in verse that "the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." What is "the law of sin and death" but the law of condemnation and punishment? Sin=condemnation, death=punishment for sin.

As I studied this passage God brought to mind the era of my childhood when I changed from doing the absolute minimum to avoid punishment to doing the most I could to bring pleasure to my father. I see this in my children at times- my son will obey the law of condemnation and punishment when he constantly watches me to see how much he can get away with before he gets in trouble. We find that we watch each other, because I want to stop his misbehavior before it gets out of hand and he is stressed over when I will come to the breaking point. On the other hand I see my son watching sometimes to see if I am delighted in his behavior. This is when he is doing what is right and just wants to give me pleasure in him. As my children are learning, when they establish the pattern of obedience both of us relax and they have more freedom to enjoy life because they aren't worried about getting in trouble. In these times my children have counted certain actions as not even worth considering because they don't please me, even when they wouldn't be punished for them.

This is how I envision the "law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus" mentioned in Romans 8:2. I don't live in the fear that the next thing I do will bring me into God's judgement, but I find myself evaluating things based on how much pleasure it will bring to God. I still make mistakes, but that allows me to come to God in prayer based on Christ's perfect record and not my own. That is why Paul writes later on that instead of always thinking about how my flesh motivates me as a spirit indwelt child of God my mind is focused on the things of the spirit.

In other words, this became practical for me as I stopped worrying about when I would have my next "bad thought" and began to focus on how to find more time to mentally focus on my Lord's Word and work. I ceased being afraid to hear God's voice for fear of hearing condemnation, and began to learn to hear God's voice in all the moments of life. Sometimes I feel like everyone should be able to hear the loud single word reminder, and other times I almost think that I missed what He whispered to my heart to feel Him mouth it again. What does this kind of life look like? Well, it looks like someone who always has something to learn. I may not be condemned, but I still make mistakes. The difference is that I don't worry about the tone of God's voices.