Embracing the dark

English Standard Version (©2001)
Isaiah 50:10
"Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God."

When I was nineteen I did not know what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I begged God to show me His will. I prayed and studied, but I could not get an answer. For the first time I felt like I was totally in the dark; which truly distressed me. Why would God keep from revealing this to me? Then I came to this passage in my personal Bible study. Isaiah 50:10 started with "who... Fears The Lord and obeys...?" I thought "that's me! I obey God." Then I read "Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust..." I felt the darkness so tangibly that I almost cried. There was my answer. I was to simply trust God's last direction and stay on the path that was last given, and so I did. I was soon after that moment of distress given a clear next step and moved forward, and it was this path that brought to this day where I have a wonderful family, and a job that more than meets my family's needs.

Ten years later (thirteen years ago) I was plunged into the deepest spiritual darkness that I have ever experienced. It wasn't all at once, but I felt like I was sinking far away. I even had the sensation that it was God Himself pressing me so far into the darkness that I felt as if God had buried me and walked away, totally abandoning me.

English Standard Version (©2001)
Isaiah 50:11
"Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment."

For a few years I kept up the motions of the Christianity I no longer could see, waiting for God to come back for me, but He never did. I assumed my faith was a farce, and that I had simply been caught up in the social pressures around me. I determined that my intense sense of God's presence before was simply the result of a desire to experience something that I had to make up to be part of a social group I admired. Rather than make a form of insincere faith upon which I could pretend, I simply let my faith slip away. I did not build myself a fire of false religion. I stayed in the dark. I surrounded myself with opportunities to minister, for only in the moments when I was sharing the Gospel in word or song did I have a fleeting glimpse of God from afar, and then He pulled the shade again. After ten years of this I decided to be honest and admitted to family and a few friends that I had completely lost God. I reluctantly embraced my seeming apostasy while calling those around me to live their faith honestly. I basically gave up the fight.

In this space I began to detail how I came to be an apostate, and then I began to see breaks in the veil God had made. I cannot explain what happened, but I understand that it was revealed to me that this was God's plan for me. Few know the horror of darkness, but those of us who have experienced it and been brought out of it can attest to the fact that God is in the dark (Psalm 139:12).

Jesus promised that those who followed Him would have His light (John 8:12), but what about me who followed Jesus but fell into darkness? You can search me for a sin that led me away from God, but which one of us can say we are without sin? It was not a sin I embraced which brought the darkness, but it was in the midst of constant repentance and worship that darkness was forced upon me. Looking back I see just enough of God's light that even though I felt the darkness I had enough faint glimmers of light that I was unconsciously able to reorient myself. Even in the pit He never really left me.

I still struggle with issues where I believe humans have imposed their morals on God's word, and I have not resolved completely the seeming contradictions between what God has revealed in the natural world and his Word. I firmly believe that rational faith must first begin with divine revelation. I could not talk myself into faith, but when the Holy Spirit lifted the veil I was once again able to experience the assurance of faith I once held so dear.

Why have I been here? I understand Job a little better, though I did not experience the physical loss he did, but I certainly felt abandoned by God. Like Job I don't have an answer; only a sense that I have so much to learn.

English Standard Version (©2001)
Job 42:1-6
"Then Job answered the LORD and said:
“I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
‘Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;
therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes.”"

Trust Walk Continued

One of our favorite events each year is the trek to the Gulf of Mexico. Our family calls it "The Beach", and we look forward to the moment when we step out of the car and hear the roar of the waves. The first time a couple of our children actually made it to the water the power of the waves frightened them and we had to hold them tightly in our arms as they watched the waves wash around us. My son recently recalled the moment when he actually felt strong enough to stand in the waves and feel them wash around him. He and I love to stand or sit in the "big" waves on the Alabama beach and feel the power wrap around us.

We talked about that moment when he came to me worried about some doubts he faced about realities he was considering, and I described his doubts as waves that he can let wash around him. I am told that the waves on the West Coast are better suited for surfing, but the waves in the sheltered Gulf of Mexico are perfect for relaxing in the water. If you find the perfect spot on the sandbar you can settle where the water comes up to your chest and then turn to face the shore with your back to the Gulf and let the waves splash around you, sometime splashing up against the back of your head. When the wave continues on to the shore the foam obscures what is under the water which is usually crystal clear, and dark shapes in the foam are suddenly made sinister. Once the foam clears I see the seaweed or the dark rock in the white sand for what it is, but for moments I consider sweeping my children up onto the dry sand in case it is a toothy predator.

I have learned to identify all the dark underwater shapes when i first step into the water, and I let the fear wash past me with the foamy waves when that split second glance through the foam made me imagine a shark. As I fight these doubts over the realities of the Christianity I was raised to believe, I recognize that I am not the first to have these doubts, and I take uneasy comfort in this. I have decided to stick with the beliefs I once held dear although they do not resonate with me as they once did. I will continue to seek to worship the God I loved even while the foam of doubt wraps around me. I want to believe. Help my unbelief!