Trust Walk Continued

One of our favorite events each year is the trek to the Gulf of Mexico. Our family calls it "The Beach", and we look forward to the moment when we step out of the car and hear the roar of the waves. The first time a couple of our children actually made it to the water the power of the waves frightened them and we had to hold them tightly in our arms as they watched the waves wash around us. My son recently recalled the moment when he actually felt strong enough to stand in the waves and feel them wash around him. He and I love to stand or sit in the "big" waves on the Alabama beach and feel the power wrap around us.

We talked about that moment when he came to me worried about some doubts he faced about realities he was considering, and I described his doubts as waves that he can let wash around him. I am told that the waves on the West Coast are better suited for surfing, but the waves in the sheltered Gulf of Mexico are perfect for relaxing in the water. If you find the perfect spot on the sandbar you can settle where the water comes up to your chest and then turn to face the shore with your back to the Gulf and let the waves splash around you, sometime splashing up against the back of your head. When the wave continues on to the shore the foam obscures what is under the water which is usually crystal clear, and dark shapes in the foam are suddenly made sinister. Once the foam clears I see the seaweed or the dark rock in the white sand for what it is, but for moments I consider sweeping my children up onto the dry sand in case it is a toothy predator.

I have learned to identify all the dark underwater shapes when i first step into the water, and I let the fear wash past me with the foamy waves when that split second glance through the foam made me imagine a shark. As I fight these doubts over the realities of the Christianity I was raised to believe, I recognize that I am not the first to have these doubts, and I take uneasy comfort in this. I have decided to stick with the beliefs I once held dear although they do not resonate with me as they once did. I will continue to seek to worship the God I loved even while the foam of doubt wraps around me. I want to believe. Help my unbelief!

Trust Walk

A few months ago an acquaintance told my Sunday School class about a father taking his daughter on a trust walk. The basic concept is that the father is to guide his blindfolded daughter up a tree-lined mountain path along with other father-daughter teams. The father gives his daughter this statement "I am here to guide you, only listen to me" - The father is to start out with his hands on the daughter's shoulders and giving reassuring advice until a facilitator motions for the father to remove his hands, and then later to stop speaking until asked for advice by the daughter. All along the trail the blindfolded daughter is harassed by a man with a tree branch who makes her think her father is leading her into a tree, and she is given false instructions by a man who contradicts her father. The idea of the exercise seems to be to teach the daughter to trust her father to lead her down the right path in life. It is interesting that the father takes his hands off his daughter at one point on the trail, and then he becomes silent unless asked for advice later down the path. This is so much like a good father letting his daughter grow up. I have warned my children that I will gradually step back from being their guide, and simply be an advisor.

The idea sounds neat, but I don't see myself doing this exercise with my girls. Instead of teaching my daughter to trust me to guide them, I am doing my best to get rid of any blindfolds they may be wearing so that they are not dependant on this flawed man and can find a good path themselves. My father had a similar approach in raising his children. He has some very strong beliefs about what is true, but he feels that, rather than indoctrinating us into a certain viewpoint, he should give us the tools to find the truth so that what we believe becomes our belief rather than simply a parroting of his and Mom's beliefs. His plan seems to be a risky one. By opening the door to personal investigation rather than blind trust my parents ran the risk that their children would be led away from the truth, but in reality children will do what they want anyway. I do not mean that Dad and Mom taught us that truth is relative, but instead they taught that any honest pursuit of truth would lead to the road that they walked. I was not taught that questioning my faith was sinful, but my father struggled through his doubts and taught us the truth in an effort to help us find what he learned and save us the trouble of dealing with doubt. 

If you have followed my blog for any amount of time you know I chose the hard way. Until I was twenty-five I lazily took my father's faith as my own, but then I came to realize that I instinctively didn't get it. Ever since then I have tried to argue myself into belief, but I have discovered it is difficult to do this. How did I get here? It has been suggested that I must have been hurt by my parents pretty badly to have rejected what they believe, but the fact is that I came to this situation on my own. When I approached my father early on about my doubts he expressed his belief that the only way to see the truth about God was to accept the presupposition that God is real and His Bible is true, but he has always made it clear that he loves me and accepts me no matter what I believe.

In a sense, my pride forced me onto this road. I want to be right for the sake of being right. I have been told by many that people like me choose to step away from their faith because they refuse to give up some sin. I am not morally perfect, but my pride was the sin that led me down this path. I saw Christians politicalizing Christianity in areas such as abortion, and the meaning of Christmas, and I wanted to have a faith that was more important than some reason to rally against a government in political meetings. I got the feeling that these issues were created to give a certain group influence over the nation by polarizing Christians. I find it interesting that abortion gave room to the "battle for Christmas" (with the hate for secularization of the nation) which gave room to the battle over gay rights, which gave room to the battle over the Islamification of America. I have watched Christians add anger to anger until there is no room for love. I think these are non-issues created to keep Christians politically involved. Now we have a Christian movement against a "communist" or "socialist" sitting confessed Christian president in favor of a Mormon candidate who has historically acted in a similar way to our current president.

In my proud way I wanted to rise above all this, and be a true loving follower of Christ. As I looked at my Bible to learn a more excellent way I found that the Scriptures can be ambiguous, and even contradictory. I wanted God's Word to be clear and in self-agreement, but it really isn't. I found that many of our main theological ideas were actually inferred from Scripture while seeming contradictory passages were ignored or explained away. The more I studied the Bible, the more I have come to feel that the book is more likely the result of various cultures trying to come to grips with their current situation. This is why the scientific concepts presented in the Bible are reflective of the primitive ideas held at that time. We now know the earth is not flat, is not the center of the universe, and was not made in six days less than ten thousand years ago, but those ideas made sense a few hundred years ago. As we understand the fetal development of the brain we now know that the brain is where sexual identity is developed despite what the body seems to indicate, and it is not sinfully deviant to have different sexual orientation than one appears that they should have no matter what the writers of Leviticus or the Apostle Paul thought.

So what do I use to guide my children? I have chosen to raise them in the conservative Evangelical Christian culture (sticking to what I know) while constantly insisting my children to approach their beliefs honestly. Whether they agree or disagree with me I play devil's advocate to force them to justify, in simplistic ways, what they believe. I want them to know that while truth is not relative, our ability to see it is often obscured by our desire to identify with a certain culture. So now my children roll their eyes (respectfully) when I start to discuss the pagan reasons to celebrate Christmas or the fact that God is not pro-life, and when I ask them why they believe something. I want to walk next to my children discussing the path as we continue to grow together not a guide to force them to my flawed level of enlightenment. They will hear my voice in their heads like I hear my father every day- "why did you choose that?" They will disagree with me, but they will know why!

A Problem by Any Other Name...

Sometimes a medical diagnosis is nothing more than a description. Think of arthritis, which simply means "inflammed joint". I imagine a patient telling his doctor how his joints are painful and swollen. "I think my joints are really inflammed! What is wrong?" "I think you have arthritis." "Oh, ok, thanks doc!" The big word is a way to communicate a lot with one word, but there are often other words that sit with the descriptive word. "Osteoarthritis" is one type of joint inflammation while "rheumatoid arthritis" is something else. Another one of my favorite diagnoses is tremor. "Why is my hand shaking?" "You have a tremor." But the fact is that there is more to be said about the tremor... An "essential tremor" describes a person whose hands shake for no apparent reason. A "secondary tremor" is caused by some other known disease process like a stroke or muscle injury. In my case I have been told that my walking problem is not a muscle weakness or even likely to be multiple sclerosis, but that I have "primary focal paroxysmal dystonia" in my leg. What that means is that from time to time my leg has muscles that fight each other for control of my leg when walking. "Primary" means that no one knows why, and "focal" means it is only in one place. Dystonia can be described as "crossed wires" in the brain where my brain tells opposing muscles to move. If you watch me walk you would see a twisting movement as these muscles pull one way and then another, and I look a little funny as I walk. It comes and goes so it is said to be paroxysmal, and it is often the result of being excited or worried so if I limp up to you I am either really happy to see you or you frighten me. When awaiting my parents' arrival from Pennsylvania i was so excited I could barely walk. I have been told that physical therapy may help me learn to walk a different way, or that some type of drugs to treat Parkinson's can help. There is more work to be done to determine what comes next, but this could be the new normal for me. 

What's Eating Me

  "So there's something like a worm eating your brain, and making it hard to walk?" So now I know I need to work on how I explain details to my children. The fact is that I don't exactly know what is going on in my brain, but for some reason certain muscles in my left leg aren't able work right so that I can't lift my leg when walking. The best explanation I have found after much testing is that my immune system has been signaled wrongly by something to build scar tissue in my brain and/or spinal cord that keeps instructions in my brain from making it to my leg for some reason. More testing needs to be done, but for now we are calling it a "multiple sclerosis-type disorder". The good news is that I am usually not in pain, it seems to be limited to my left leg, and my balance is still perfect. My symptoms began a year ago with some mild weakness and numbness in my left leg with some muscle spasms. The weakness and spasms cleared up after a few weeks, but the numbness remained. In late September this year I started to have pronounced weakness in my left leg which eventually progressed to where it is now that I need a cane to walk without tripping. I had a spinal tap and MRIs that showed inconclusive results so I now have appointments at other medical centers for a more comprehensive evaluation. If this is MS (multiple sclerosis) the symptoms may go away for a time, but some types of MS slowly progress with new disabilities appearing from time-to-time with no improvement in my symptoms. The future is uncertain and frightening, but I am glad for my present. I can still walk (although I look pathetic doing it), I can still work full-time, I have a wonderful and supportive wife, and many wonderful friends. That's where I am right now. When you see me with my cane know that I am grateful to be here. I don't know why my brain is short-circuited, but I am glad I can be here now!

Foolish Idolatry

Romans 12:1  I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

I have a confession to make - I found a new idol that has controlled my mind. You will never guess it, and you might even disagree that it is an idol. I am not trying to convict you about any idolatry that you might foster, but I must admit that this idol almost forced me to give up my faith in God completely. Perhaps my admission will help you, but I suspect it will make you sad or even upset you. Please at least give me a moment to explain myself, and try to read what I am trying to say rather than impose your instinctive interpretation on what I am saying. I have a friend on Facebook who helped me see this idol by his focus on it trying to convince me to worship it his way. 

I see this as an idol because I substituted its words for the true wisdom of God instead of seeing it as one tool to help me see God more clearly. When I found this idol to be flawed I decided to reject my faith because I had built my faith on it, but I believe I have found a better way. My idol was indirectly given to me by my parents, though I am sure that they did not intend the consequences that followed as I focused on this item for building my life of faith. This idol was not an issue until a series of events shook my ideas of God and I turned to this idol for reassurance, but all I found were problems and contradictions. 

What is this idol? The Christian Bible. It is a book written by men for the instruction of men with inspiration of God, but I mistook the Bible for the complete word of God. I am learning that the Bible is a starting point, but also that God had revealed Himself all over His creation. I have found that neither of these form of revelation are complete, but that they are guides to a deeper walk with God. Many have been praying for me on this journey for which I thank you, and I certainly beg for your continued prayers as I continue to grow in this walk.

Try to remember...

Music: Harvey Schmidt
Lyrics: Tom Jones
Book: Tom Jones
Premiere: Tuesday, May 3, 1960

Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a tender and callow fellow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.

Try to remember when life was so tender
That no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.

Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Although you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Without a hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.

Deep in December, our hearts should remember

And follow.

Last night my wife and I watched the movie "The Vow" which was loosely inspired by the true story of Kim and Krickitt Carpenter whose relationship suffered after she lost her memory of their marriage following a brain injury. The movie characters actually ended their marriage after the girl lost any memory of the man she married a short time before, and returned to the very different life she led a few years before she met and married her husband. By the end of the movie the woman with memory loss had returned to many of the things she enjoyed even though her memory never returned, and the reason she returned to her life before memory loss is because her personality did not change. There is a debate as to how permanent personality is, but is wondered what would happen to me if I lost my memory of the last thirteen years supposing that our personality doesn't change after a brain injury. This seems like an academic question, but it really is practical because it can be assumed that I began this process of losing God because of some events or ideas that traumatized my sense of God's being. So I am going to try to remember.

This Need Not Apply

There is a promise in the Christian Bible that forces discomfort for many Bible believers. The verse 

reads "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) I know that the verse is not true, you know this too, for without a mpment's hesitation you can think of at least one situation when the parents did a good job and kid went way off the deep end. I have heard several explanations for why this promise is in the Scripture, all of them trying to excuse good parents from bad results. The problem is that this is a clearly-worded promise. The idea is good, that parenting is important, but the exceptions to the rule have caused much heartbreak as good parents blame themselves for their child's wrong choices. I have heard preachers suggest that hidden sin in the lives of the parents caused the failure, or that the statement is the description of a general rule. I have even heard that the book of Proverbs is not really a part of the canon of Scripture after the realization of several of these statements in Proverbs that really aren't consistently true. 

Today I heard another explanation- not any statement in Proverbs can be taken as true without comparing it to other statements in Scripture and personal experience. I like this- "thou shalt not kill" unless it is politically expedient (Judges 18:27-29), socially necessary, (Judges 20:48) a response to being insulted (2 Kings 2:23-24), or religiously motivated (Numbers 25:1-9). I could literally take any clear statement in the Bible and twist it using other ideas and events in the Bible to whatever purpose I have. The craziest version of this is those Christians who insist that the Bible holds that American capitalism is more Biblical than socialism or communism. What drives our economy but the desire to have what others have and working hard to earn it? Well that goes against the command to not covet. So much for being a Christian nation built on the Ten Commandments. 

The interesting thing is how these moral understandings of the Bible have changed over the centuries. Genocide by Christians was supported by scripture and then condemned by Christians using the same book. Slavery was also supported among Christians by verses from the Bible and the later condemned by it. Racism has been supported for the Church by bible verses and also now condemned by most Churches using other Bible verses. These same Bible believers tell me that only if I use the Bible will I have an unchanged moral standard, but that if I believe in evolution my moral values will change over time. To me it seems that today's Christianity is just as much a product of evolution as anything else. 

When I hear Christians condemn gay marriage I now know that the way they read the Bible will change. Those commandments need not apply.

Let there be light

At the end of June I can be found in Northeastern Pennsylvania on my parents' property involved in "Cousin's Camp" where seventeen grandchildren and a few dear friends will gather to spend time together and learn something. This year's theme is light and it's place in Christian theology, and five fathers will present material throughout the week on the theme. My segment is on the constellations so in the next several days I will be working this. I will let you join me on my journey.

"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light." What is light? That is a problem that has been debate for centuries. When God called for light in Genesis 1 what did the ancient writer mean? Did the particles come into existence or were the waves of particles that already existed leave their source and begin to bounce off the waters on the empty sphere called earth? What we know now about light is that it consists of particles that we called photons that move faster than any other particles of which we aware. Even though the little bits of light we see move really fast, the colors we see only make up a little bit of the light that is there. I could tell you all about the many, many tests scientists have done over the centuries to find the different particles of light and how they move, but we don't have time. I can tell you that scientists have found that light particles move in waves, and the different size of the waves are seen by our eyes differently or not at all. 

I said that light is made up particles, but I will keep talking about the waves of light because we could not really catch one particle of light by itself because it moves too fast. So what we can see is the effect of particles of light when they are together in waves. The funny thing is that you can split light up by its waves by setting special filters in the way of the light waves. When we have light waves moving together we often call that group of waves a beam of light, and so when we have a beam of light we can set up a filter to split the beam into several beams that consist of the same wave type. Suppose you want to see the waves, how would they look compared to each other? Red light waves and blue light waves have a different pattern in that the distance between the top of the wave for each is always the same for red and a little farther apart for blue light.

So when I write about different types of light I talk about different lengths between the peaks of the waves or to shorten it I say "wavelength". The cool thing is that there are wavelengths that are invisible to your eyes because your eye does not have the type of cell that can see it. Wavelengths that are outside the visible spectrum are still very important. You wear sunscreen because a wavelength of light that is shorter than purple (violet) light is invisible to you, but can injure your skin cells and cause burns or cancer. Other wavelengths on the shorter side of the spectrum can do even more damage like X-rays. The other side of the spectrum has really cool effects like radio waves. 

So when light began it wasn't just the ability to get rid of the dark that came, but new ways of experiencing energy. When we think about energy what you and I usually mean is the movement of particles called electrons. Electric wires carry electrons back and forth while gasoline burns as electrons move from one molecule to another. Light has the ability to move electrons. That is how your eyes work. Photons hit the cells of your eyes and electrons in those cells move chemicals that stimulate electrons in your brain which your brain connects to memories to understand what the light told your eyes. 

Morality

I recently saw a friend post on Facebook about the neurosurgeon Ben Carson who is standing against evolutionary theory because it is a poor basis of morality. His alternative? He feels that safety is found in basing our morality on the Christian Bible. At first blush this may make sense, but I don't really believe this and you don't either. I thought I could write something about this, but I see that I already did so here is a link to the different posts I put up on this subject- http://me-as-me.blogspot.com/search/label/morality

What is your reality?

You do not see this page with your eyes. Well, if we were to be real picky, you really don't see anything with your eyes. You may know this, but what really happens is that light enters the front of the eye, stirs activity in cells inside the eye which begin electrochemical reactions in the nervous system, and the reactions in the nervous system activate various areas within the brain that convert the signals from the eyes into images that are then matched to various memories to interpret what the light reveals. You really "see" with your memory. The cool thing about our brain is that it can remember concepts, things, and events so that you can read this word and instantly remember seeing it while connecting it to an idea, and possibly even have feelings elicited because of an event of which the word reminds you. This is why you learn about everything you see in your world instead of instantly knowing everything about your world. This is also why optical illusions are possible. 

I remember the first time I saw a mirage on the road in front of us on a hot summer day. I can still remember the feeling of surprise when the water wasn't there when we came to the dip in the road where there had been a puddle of water only moments before. My dad explained how the different temperatures of air bent the light to make it seem as if water was reflecting the sunlight, and I learned that things can seem different than they are. My favorite example of this is the McGurk Effect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McGurk_effect) in which a sound is "heard" differently depending on what is seen by the hearer. Some optical illusions show quirks in how light enters and is transmitted by the eye, but others reveal how what is "seen" is interpreted by the brain in conjunction with prior memories as in the McGurk effect. If you are used to distrusting what your eye tells you about sounds, like if you watch badly-dubbed kungfu movies, then the McGurk effect doesn't really work on you. 

All this is interesting because it is possible for your reality to differ from mine in very important ways. We often use the words reality and truth interchangeably, but some aspects of reality do differ from person to person because we experience the world with different brains which interpret things based on different memories and makeup. So while we both may experience the same sunshine your brain may see happiness and life while others may see murderous UV rays. I remember the story in the Gospels about the man Jesus healed of blindness who then described men walking around like trees (Mark 8:22-26). Imagine a blind man who knew by touch that upright structures were trees, but when his eyes worked he saw upright structures walking and talking like men. In other words his reality hadn't really included both sets of features in the same object. Mark remarks that a second touch from Jesus was required to allow him to recognize the same reality that someone who saw from birth had.

What if reality differed from truth? My favorite contribution to the Internet is my quote an acquaintance spread years ago- "Belief and sincerity do not define truth; it exists despite belief and sincerity." You may sincerely believe your reality is true but it doesn't mean that it is. One of my big frustrations is the false idea that still lives in this country that if something seems "natural" it is better. I am consulted by my fellow nurses at least monthly about some new "natural" treatment or supplement (as if taking a pill is natural) that seems better than modern medicine, and I must admit that while some people naturally see these things as better in obvious ways I do not agree with their reality. So our reality disagrees. What are we to do? An independent measure must be used to determine truth in our realities, and it cannot be who is loudest or most sincere. This is the real argument. When I still worked in the "alternative healthcare" industry I struggled over real evidence. My well-meaning mentor insisted that good healthcare started with the presupposition that certain concepts trumped "science falsely-so-called" that seemed to dominate the industry. In the end the only evidence that was included was whatever study supported his prior convictions of reality. I find this is often the case in the false healthcare industry- conventional medicine and science is supposed to be tainted and so only is right when it agrees with the nonconvenitonalist's preconcived notions. This has led to all sorts of craziness like iridology, applied kinesiology and overdosing on toxic plants because Aunt Gertrude saw a Chinese Indian take them once. 

This frustration is what led me to where I am. I found that scientists trust each other less than herbalists trust them. In fact they are constantly checking and rechecking their work to the be the gal or guy to prove a deeply held theory to be wrong. Preconceived notions are often thrown out to be reformulated or verified, and sacred cows are slaughtered whenever possible. So when a young earth creationist tells me that evolution is impossible because Genesis 1 says God did it in six days six thousand years ago I say, let's test that theory. "It's not a theory." I'm told "It is a preconceived notion that must be accepted to find the truth." What this means is that I must accept the way your brain interprets truth in order to find other truths. In other words this is a reality that lives on the same level as Aunt Gertrude's bitter poisonous green leaves. This is what I can't seem to swallow.

Justification or Explanation?

I dealt with a few approaches to the problem of evil in the last post, and how I am trying to reconcile what I see as reality with what I have been raised to believe. For many of my friends and family members "the problem of evil" is not even remotely an interesting question. These dear ones feel as if there is not any need to question God. When tornados tear bodies and lives apart some Christians see judgement of sin or a long-term purpose that goes beyond our understanding. Joseph of early Jewish history faced horrible rejection at every level, but he is remembered for recognizing God's higher purpose when he said "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good." (Genesis 50:20) On the other hand Job was rebuked for looking for a higher purpose, and trying to understand why he was suffering. (Job 40:8) 

I know a little about suffering, but only a little. As a small boy we were told that my mother was going to die, and there were a few times that I was convinced that I was watching her last moments. Cancer hurts everyone related to the victim, but what would happen if you were to ask my mother how she felt about the disease her body finally defeated. Her physical and emotional suffering was incredible, and she will tell her story with a few ideas on what purpose God had for her suffering. Ask Mom in a particularly vulnerable moment and she will confide that she cannot really find a purpose of God that makes the suffering to feel truly worth it, but she believes in her heart that His plan is far better than any she could have so she chooses to tust Him though she wishes His plan could have been perfected another way.

As I read through different writings that deal with the "problem of evil" I see a pattern developing in which those who have a problem reconciling God's goodness with the presence of evil are inclined to distrust God in the first place. Christians who discuss the problem of evil seem to be trying to explain how their intensely felt belief in a loving God makes logical sense. I suggest you read a blog by a man currently in the raw moments of pain- http://raymelick.blogspot.com/2012/05/men-at-ease-have-contempt-for.html Ray knows how to tell it. 

 

As I struggle with my unbelief I am beginning to think that problems with belief are not a matter of logic, but obedience to an inner sense of reality. What do you think? Do you feel the way you do because it feels right or because of irrefutable logic? In other words, when you defend your beliefs are your providing an explanation or trying to justify how you feel?

Not a Tame Lion

My son was around five when I read him the C. S. Lewis Chronicles of Narnia, and we happened on the statement that Aslan, the lion that seemed to represent Jesus in the allegory, was not a tame lion. It was a pretty good explanation to come back to when my son later noted a moment when something made him sad and I could not explain it by saying it fit God’s plan. "A tame animal is predictable and obeys your wishes, but you can't always predict what an untamed animal will do. It obeys no one but itself." Looking back I am interested that I didn't tell my son that God was a wild creature that can't be tamed. Instead I simply stated that he was not tame. A wild God is a scary idea. Wild animals bite and kill for no reason. A wild lion can turn on his handler, leaving onlookers puzzled as to what happened, and yet when I read that God, or Jesus, is not a tame lion, is the alternative simply that they are wild animals? 

One of my first concerns as I try to walk back through the doorway of my former faith is the problem of evil. Is it true that God is either not good or not all powerful? If he is good why does he allow evil unless he is too weak to fend it off? If God is powerful enough to fend off evil he must not be good enough to want to do it. The Christian Scriptures describe its god as all-knowing, all-powerful, and perfect in love. It seems to many that there is a breakdown somewhere in the attributes of God or that there isn't a god like the one described by the Christian.

I have heard different theologians speak of natural disasters as if they were the result of sin or satanic influence, but it is clear that if the God of the Bible can do anything He is fully in control of whatever happens in his world. If God let it happen then He is responsible for it happening. In the Bible even evil men are said to be under the control of God. Think about how God hardened Pharoah's heart while the ten plagues ravaged his country, and even how Solomon stated that the "heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord" and he turns it any way he desires. (Proverbs 21)

Google the word "theodicy" and you will see different attempts of philosophers and theologians (some of whom are philosophers) to make sense of the fact that the Christian god is perfectly good and all-powerful. I discussed this with my son recently and we went through all the options, but we decided that the only answer that really worked for him is that somehow God knows best, and we just have to trust him. This is good enough for many, but it really only works if you feel like God is perfectly good and need an "escape clause" to make you feel ok about an out-of-control world. It is as if you are saying "I know He is good so He must have some higher purpose at work." 

There is another approach that can answer why this world is out-of-control. From the beginning of time as we know it chaos has been the rule of the universe. When untamed powerful forces interact they can change the current organization of things to something very different which can disrupt life and its ability to survive. I am told by Christians "But if everything is the product of chaos then everything is meaningless!" Really? To see that our species has risen out of such chaos and thrived even as the forces of weather, geology, and the competition for resources worked against us creates an incredible sense of being part of an incredibly innovative movement of life. I have a small part of ensuring the continued success of our species as it evolves into the next stage of physical and cultural development. By producing children I have already potentially made a permanent mark on our species' genes for millions of years, and by working to teach my children I have a chance to mold our culture to be better in the future. As humans around me observe my behavior they instinctively develop opinions on how to copy or respond to my behavior which also modifies my culture in a small way, and as billions of us around the Earth act and observe we create the genes and culture of our future. Yes, there is meaning in life, even without a god!

So why would I want to return to my former faith? The culture and people I know and love draw me back, and I honestly want to be part of the confused happiness all around me in church. I remember the good feeling I felt when I believed that God was real and at work in and around me. Now I feel as if those days had me watching a movie on a screen while reality was obscured behind it. Now that I feel like I know the truth I only enjoy the movie for its sense of nostalgia, but I still long for the certainty that came with belief.

So what is the answer for evil? Did God create evil? In a sense the Christian must admit to some extent that his God did create evil, but he could argue that in doing so God had a greater good in mind that goes beyond philosophy and theology. So the God of the Bible allows horrible events to happen on a whim, and cannot really be predicted. All the Christian can say is, “Deep in my heart I know that God is good, and when I get to Heaven it will all make sense.” I guess you must accept God as being truly wild, or untamed, to accept His religion, but I am yet unsure that an untamed God is a better explanation than untamed forces.

Back again?

A few know I have taken this school year off from ministry because I have had some very serious doubts about the basic truths of modern Christianity. Some of those with whom I have discussed this know that I am not reacting to hypocritical Christians, although there are plenty of those around me. It is also true that I am not swayed by the problem of evil, though it is a reality. The simplest version of why I "left" the faith is that I lost the sense that it was true. It is very important for those who care about apologetics to realize that any belief in the Christian god must be "presuppositional" in that the individual must first choose to believe that there is an all-powerful God of the Christian type. The Christian scriptures declare that God can be seen in nature, but in reality scientific observation will not reveal the presence of God unless one already acknowledges the presence of God. The athiest sees a beautiful sunrise and sees an amazing interaction between gravity, gasses, and light while the Christian sees the same, thinking that God somehow planned this interaction. Belief in God does not guide the proper observation of the sunset, but this belief allows the Christian to give the interaction unobservable meaning. "The heavens declare the glory of God", but only to those who are willing to believe. So what can explain the difference between the athiest and the Christian observing a sunset? The best answer is the effect of a strong desire to see God that exists in the mind of the Christian. The nonchristian often believes the Christian's desire to see God comes from a need to belong to a specific group or the desire to claim special knowledge, but a Christian will probably cite the effect of the awakening of the Holy Spirit in his "heart" to explain how he can see God working around him. This is where I felt like I "lost" God. I lost the sense of this "awakening" by the Holy Spirit so that I did not have the intuitive sense that He was there. When I tried to "find" God, the logic of it all evaded me, and so I decided to let God pull me back to him if he existed.  I now have the sense that this is beginning to occur. I am in the early stages, but I began praying again this week. For the sake of understanding what is going on I am going to document my progress, and I welcome comments as encouragement or challenges to rethink what I write. Those who have been praying for me I thank you.

Truly at war

One of the strangest moments from my childhood involved a Christian concert I attended with my grandparents about America that ended with a video showing Russian atomic missiles pointed at our country, and a description of how we will be blown off the earth if Christians didn't pray hard enough. At the end of the presentation the audience was encouraged to kneel and pray, and I found myself scooting as far under my seat as possible in case the bombs fell then and there. Jessica Ahlquist (http://jessicaahlquist.com/) highlighted the fact that this concern did not die with the Soviet Union. As a teenager I watched a series of grainy VHS videos circulated by our homeschool group describing how the Clinton administration was secretly removing the freedom to practice Christianity in the US. I can see the case of Jessica Ahlquist increasing the sense that American Christians are under attack. For those not aware miss Ahlquist was surprised to find that her public high school had a Christian prayer banner posted on the wall. As prayers go it was pretty lame, but it bothered her to the point that she sued to have it taken down. This week she won and the banner is being removed, much to the consternation of Christians all over the country. The same week a suit involving another public school which invited a Christian rapper to preach in a required assembly went against the Christians involved. Of course the nonreligious in the US are pleased at the results, but the Christians complain that the war on Christianity in the US is intensifying. I hope my Christian friends see that this is not the case. A public school is supposed to be a designated safe place for all students whether we are in agreement with their beliefs, but when a nonchristian enters a school that displays hints of Christian bias the school ceases to be a safe place for that student. There truly is a war in the US, but it really is a war by certain Evangelical Christians against anything not Christian. In public this war is couched in terms that focus on promoting morality and character, but the goal is saving souls any way possible. This makes sense if one were to consider how real the Gospel message is to the Evangelical. They honestly believe that people are going to hell, and the best time to reach them is during youth years. If I honestly thought I could save someone from certain unspeakable suffering by breaking the law you bet I would break any law necessary to save them. My Christian friends ask how a subtle sign or single hour of preaching can hurt, but they fail to see how pervasive Chrstianity is in our country while there really is little tolerance of other ideas, especially nontheistic ones. This last fall an atheist group walked quietly in a parade with a banner simply identifying the group and parade-goers were angry that they carried the banner in front of children. In both the cases I mentioned above threats of violence were stated along with the online posting of the addresses of the parties involved with suggestions of the violence that could be done to those who oppose Christianity. Nontheists are acutely aware that they will be targeted for harrassment if they self-identify as nontheistic or express nontheistic sentiments. Even more disturbing is the increasingly public calls for war against Islam in the US. I received two unsolicited emails this week from a local group directly calling for a war at any cost against the tolerance for Muslim ideas in the US. It should not be a surprise that nonchristians in our nation are sensitive to hints of Christian bias in a public school because those hints point to the fact that certain religious bullying will be tolerated against them. So let Tebow do want he wants on the football field. I agree it seems strange, but he may end up being one of the few openly Christian guys who actually lives what he preaches. Let's leave school a religion-neutral place, and let Tebow and his friends fill our popular culture with their faith. There is plenty of room in the culture for all of us.

Time for battle?

ACT! for America sent me an e-mail today that exemplifies my worries for the US as I watch American Christians react in fear against perceived threats against them from the nonreligious and Muslims. The e-mail went right to the point of how Muslims want to evangelize the US in order to make our country fit their ideals. It struck me that if I rewrote the email to substitute "Christians" for "Islamists" the e-mail could reflect the worries of the other religions in countries where Christianity is making inroads. I have seen those who come out publicly as atheists or Muslims receive death threats from those self-identifying as Christians, and I wonder how many people that read these e-mails from ACT! for America or other groups asking for Christians to act for the nation's self-defense against Islam and atheism will lead to death threats being acted upon by Christians. It happened to abortionists to "protect the babies" why wouldn't Christians also take up arms to create fear in those who stand for other ideals? 

Gifts

I was asked by my nursing director to write a two paragraph note describing how Brookwood hospital supported me through nursing school, and as I set to write my paragraphs it occurred to me that I was given an opportunity that is not available anymore. Opportunity is a funny thing in that most opportunities that we encounter are creatures of our own making. It is only rare that we are given an opportunity for which we are totally unprepared.

I was a young, unemployed new father seeking any form of employment when one of my wife's friends suggested I apply for a "scrub" job at two local hospitals. One hospital ignored me completely, but the education nurse for Brookwood's Woman's operating room saw a kid willing to try and she gave me the opportunity to learn how to act as a scrub technician. I knew nothing about the OR and had no clue what a "scrub tech" was, but I jumped into the opportunity with gusto. Here was a chance to see cool things, make money for my young wife and child, and prepare for my future medical career. After six months I was good enough to be considered as an educator of other prospective scrubs, and I learned that one out of ten of my students could make it. Most hospitals have stopped on-the-job training for this type of work because of the high failure rate for trainees, and the new "scrubs" I now meet have completed vocational training at some college or training school. I could not have one of the coolest nursing jobs ever today had that gift been given to me, and, as I wrote to my director, I will ever be grateful for all the help they gave me at Brookwood.

Another gift of which I became aware recently is the security sound health. After fighting depression for twenty-eight years I thought I was accustomed to my body sabotaging me, but last Wednesday found me in an even more difficult situation as I basically lost the use of my body for a short time for no obvious reason. Over the period of about five minutes I went from standing and helping a friend to being unable to lift my head, open my eyes, or even speak. This is even more strange as I was fully awake and aware of everything happening around me. I heard the voices trying to get me to answer, and the hands moving me onto a stretcher. I heard the panicked breathing of my nursing friends as they rushed the vibrating stretcher down the hall of the hospital to the ER, and yet there was little I could do. I felt like I was tightly wrapped in a warm blanket that I eventually loosened and regained the strength to which I was accustomed. I had words like "stroke" or "seizure" floating around me for a while as I slowly regained my ability to speak, but my doctor is calling it an atypical migraine for now, though I had no headache. I am going to be seeking a second opinion since this was a pretty big event for me, but losing all my voluntary movement for thirty minutes made me realize how much I take for granted. Now every twinge is questioned as the start of another event. I don't know exactly what to think of what I experienced last week, but I do know this- I have been much more lucky than I ever realized!

Six reasons not to eat food you make in your own kitchen

A friend of mine posted a link to an article posted in May 2010 and titled "Six Reasons To Say No To Vaccination" It was a strange article which I will say is full of crazy ideas beginning with the statement at the beginning which comments inaccurately that vaccination is controversial. The six "reasons" turn out to be four reasons with one more slightly rephrased and another obvious statement of fact that is not much of an argument against vaccinations.  Here they are for a sense of insanity-
#1:   Pharmaceutical Companies Can’t Be Trusted
     This section focuses on the problems that have occurred with other pharmaceuticals focusing on unexpected complications and side effects. This would work if the alternative therapies they advocate do not have unexpected complications. We can always make medicines safer and so we test them. 
#2:   ALL Vaccines are Loaded with Chemicals and other Poisons
     This is true in a sense, but the "poisons" they are worried about are not really the problem. All of the things we eat contain chemicals and poisons. The fact is that quantity and concentration really matter. As far as "poisons" and chemicals in vaccines they have been found safe for their purpose- studies have been repeated to test this idea.
#3:   Fully Vaccinated Children are the Unhealthiest, Most Chronically Ill Children I Know
     She needs to meet some kids. Small sample size does not prove anything.
#4:   Other Countries Are Waking Up to the Dangers of Vaccines
     Other countries believe in elves. Belief and sincerity do not define truth.
#5:   A Number of Vaccines Have Already Had Problems/Been Removed from the Market
      Restating the first "reason" with a twist. Of course testing a vaccine removes it from the market. Test all your herbs the same way and many of them will be removed too.
#6   You Can Always Get Vaccinated, But You Can Never Undo a Vaccination
      This statement is a truism. I can say never kiss because you can never undo your first kiss. Sorry. 
Now for six reasons not to eat your own food-
#1 Your kitchen cannot be trusted. Many meals every year are unintentionally contaminated with dangerous organisms that sicken and kill people. Just because you know where food come from doesn't mean it is safe.
#2:   ALL Foods are Loaded with Chemicals and other Poisons. As you probably know, plants produce "pesticides" to protect themselves from insects and other organisms. In sufficient amounts these can hurt or kill you or your family yet you knowingly feed these and other chemicals to your family in the form of broccoli, carrots, and other vegetables.
#3:   Fed Children are the Unhealthiest, Most Chronically Ill Children I Know. The biggest pediatric health problem we have in the US is obese children. This problem would be solved by not feeding them any food from your kitchen or anyone else's. It may be uncomfortable, but, well that's not the point is it?

#4:   Other People Are Waking Up to the Dangers of Food. It might be a surprise to find that the necessity of food is not universally accepted. Breatharians believe that food and drink are unnecessary and impure. Since they are sincere I suppose we should believe them.
#5:   A Number of Foods Have Already Had Problems/Been Removed from the Market. We all know about the dangers off raw eggs and fat.
#6   You Can Always Eat, But You Can Never Fully Undo an Ingestion. As soon as you  put a food item in your mouth certain nutrients are absorbed and become part of your bloodstream. You can't undo that. Sad isn't it.

Flashbacks of the weird kind...

Ah, fun of seeing how far I have come! I watched all the parts of the above documentary by Louis Theroux on the Westboro Baptist Church Cult, and it is amazing how much of what they believe were my deeply held beliefs so many years ago. If you take away the vulgar language that marks so much of what the Family says you will hear what I was taught as a child and young adult. I had such a gut reaction to the statements of the members of The Family as the described the dangers of rebellion and thinking for oneself. I instantly identified with the kids who were so afraid that even speaking their hearts would send them to Hell because it would plant a seed of rebellion that would lead them down the wrong road. Even the sense of persecution and future exile that was to mark our transition into the end times was drummed into my head. I love how Louis Theroux let the members of the Family do all the talking so that we get a great view of their beliefs. Having come from a similar background I really believe that this was an accurate portrayal of the Family.

My message from this is that the Westboro Baptist Church Family is probably the best example of obedience to the Bible that I have seen in the USA, and a perfect example of how blind obedience to a book of faith can destroy lives and families. I like the fact that most evangelical Christians in the US actually live according to a more loving ethical standard than is presented in the Bible. I am glad I finally saw the light of Humanism.

When I die...

Last Wednesday night I was discussing with a friend how "kids nowadays" don't know how to write letters like they did "back then", and I told her of how many biographies of historical figures relied on the letters and diary entries of those people as sources of their ideas and opinions. Biographies of the future will need a glossary of codes for text messaging such as "brb" or "LOL". I have a few journals in which I occasionally pen notes to my wife and children, with each one having their own book with which we record our comments and questions to each other. Listening to the song "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry reminds me of the importance of the written word as the song insists that what we write means more when we are gone. Like we should never forget to say "I love you", we should leave plenty of evidence of our love and pride in those around us so that distance of miles or moments cannot erase what we have spoken.

The cost of Character

"I could do that!" My acquaintance was somewhat excited. I can't tell if he really would do it, knowing that the clinic I described would be a total sham, but I believe he just might be serious. "Josh, you can be our front guy because anyone would believe you, but we will do all the work." I shudder as I think of the horror that overtook me the last time I was involved in the endeavor he proposed. I thought that as a health care consultant I could really help people. I would gaze into their eyes or use the latest in muscle-testing methods to determine their health problems and give my clients solutions to their most pressing health problems while staving off future disasters. I am told I was very good.

One man came to me seeking a cure for his ulcerative colitis that had once again flared up with a vengeance. The guy was a good man and a doting father. He was tired of the cramping and diarrhea, and he hoped I could give him the solution he so earnestly desired. I looked at his iris, discussed his health weaknesses, and suggested some herbs he could take with some lifestyle and diet changes. His health seemed to improve until he was admitted to the hospital for a bowel obstruction. This time his supposed ulcerative colitis flare-up was actually symptoms of colon cancer that developed as a probable complication of his longstanding disease. Had he gone to his regular doctor instead of me my client would have probably found his colon cancer soon enough to remove it. Instead it was found after it was too far advanced, and my client's cancer spread to his liver where it killed him.

No one blamed me for my lack of knowledge, but I feel like I should have known this was a common complication of ulcerative colitis and insisted my client seek medical advice. I didn't know my limitations, and I really didn't help this guy. Temporarily undaunted I sought to expand my knowledge and experience, but as I studied I found that more science pointed to my practice as dangerous at worst and useless at best. I left it so that I would not give any more people false confidence.

Now this friend wants to play the game. He wants to knowingly give useless medicine to the sick and worried because it will provide gain. I shuddered at the thought. I just can't do it. As I lay in bed that night I suddenly realize that I could do it better than last time. I could use clearly safe, but useless treatment like homeopathic preparations as a gimmick and get patients into my clinic to get good diet and lifestyle advice. I could once again give those who felt lost in the medical landscape a welcome desk to sit at be reassured. I could bill myself as a health care coordinator and give those who see too many doctors a sense of order to their lives. But could I really lie to my clients to gain income and a sense of accomplishment? I could work half as hard to make the same income, but in the end I feel like I would lose more of myself than I would gain.

What did I get when I was raised to be honest, but a hard life? Maybe, at least, I could trust my own advice.